Have you heard that "men think about sex all the time"? This phrase and others like it have been around for ages and somehow suggest to us that women don't have as much of a sexual appetite, or that they don't want sex as often as men.

But more recent studies tell us that sex drive is about more than wanting and thinking about sex. And the fact that you are a woman or a man is not the deciding factor. Rather, it matters how you feel in general, what kind of relationship you have with your partner, how the connection is between you and many other aspects.

The fact is that yes, it is normal for interest in sex to fluctuate based on various factors – for women and men alike. What is not normal is that the sexual appetite decreases or increases excessively, and we talk about all these things in this article.

What is libido?

Libido is an important component of sexuality and is actually the desire for sex. Sexual appetite, or sexual desire, as it is also called, actually reflects the desire to satisfy your sexual instinct - and it is perfectly normal.

How intensely you feel this sexual desire varies enormously from person to person. Libido is different for everyone, but also for the same person at different stages of life. It can be influenced by factors such as health status, certain medications, lifestyle, couple communication and relationship with the partner, hormonal balance and many other details.

Why does libido occur?

Libido, or sexual desire, can appear in the most diverse circumstances, depending on the preferences of each person and the context in which they find themselves. You can feel your appetite for intimacy increase after a more intense interaction with a person you feel attracted to, as well as following some form of stimulation (eg: visual, auditory, etc.).

The basis of these reactions, however, are hormones, which influence how intensely you feel these feelings. The main hormones involved in the emergence of sexual appetite and maintaining its intensity are estrogen in women and testosterone in men.

What does normal libido mean?

We can't really define what a normal libido means, just like we can't define exactly what the ideal sex match looks like or, in the case of women, what a normal period means. Because all these things differ from person to person.

The normal level of sexual appetite varies from person to person and this is natural and is influenced by various biological, psychological and social factors. Thus, how strong your sexual desire is also depends on what treatments you follow, what lifestyle you have and how close you are to your partner.

On a general note, we can say that libido is normal as long as there are no drastic changes from your usual sex drive and as long as it does not affect your quality of life. A libido so high that it doesn't allow you to focus on anything other than the desire for intimacy is an example of sex drive that affects your daily activities and is not normal.

Increased libido - Causes

As I said above, it is difficult to identify what an increased libido means until you can measure what a normal libido means.

It is not relevant to compare your desire for sex with that of your partner or girlfriends, because it is different for each person.

But it may be relevant to compare your own appetite, now versus before. If you notice that your interest in sex has increased, then you can say that you have an increased libido. This is not necessarily a cause for concern if it does not prevent you from carrying out your daily activities (eg: prevents you from concentrating on other matters, or causes you to have sex with various partners without precautions).

Contrary to popular belief, you don't have a high libido just because you're a man, just like you don't have a low libido just because you're a woman. A person's gender does not explain the intensity of sex drive. Instead, factors underlying an increased libido are:

Physical exercises

During physical training, the blood is pumped faster and the body naturally secretes endorphins. Both of these effects can have consequences on libido, and there are studies that suggest that active people have a higher sex drive than sedentary people (largely due to the hormonal balance that regular exercise contributes to).

Drug use

Drug and alcohol use can affect libido and sexual responses, and can equally increase or decrease sexual desire. They are powerful stimulants that can have an aphrodisiac effect and lower inhibitions momentarily.

It is important to understand, however, that these are not healthy or natural effects, and that the response to substance use can change over time and cause addictions (including sexual ones) or other serious disorders.

Changes in neurotransmitters (dopamine & serotonin)

An imbalance in neurotransmitters (those that contribute to your mood) such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine can lead to increased sex drive and compulsive sexual behaviors. Several studies have shown that high levels of dopamine can increase the predisposition to hypersexuality.

High testosterone (men)

In men, testosterone plays an important role in regulating sex drive. This is precisely why men's libido is often higher in the morning, when testosterone levels are highest.

When do you know if your libido is too high?

An increased libido is normal, especially if you have a balanced lifestyle and get enough rest. Conversely, too much libido can be a sign of a hormonal imbalance , a neurological disorder, or a mood disorder.

Hypersexuality, which I told you all about HERE , can be the effect of an excessively high libido. And the relationship with your partner or the people around you can be affected when you are faced with an excessive sexual appetite. So it is important to identify such situations and seek professional help. Here's how you can tell if your libido is too high:

• Your sex life affects your relationships, health and work.

• Sexual appetite takes over your thoughts and decisions.

• You use sex to cope with emotional challenges such as anxiety or depression.

• You feel that sex does not fulfill you or leaves you "empty".

How is excessive libido treated?

If you are concerned that you may have excessively high libido, the first step is to talk to a specialist. Together with this you can choose a strategy that is right for you, such as:

• Changing the dosage of a medication – when the treatment you are taking affects your sexual appetite.
• Treating a pre-existing neurological disorder – if the increased appetite is actually a symptom of another problem you're dealing with (eg a neurotransmitter imbalance).
• Psychotherapy – can help you understand how you feel, where and what your desires for sex come from, and what you can do to manage your appetite and the problems you face because of it.

Low libido - Causes

At the opposite pole is low libido, i.e. lack of interest in sex. As frustrating as it may be, it's important to know that decreased sex drive isn't actually all that abnormal. It is natural not to feel desire at certain times of life or in certain contexts:

Menopause

Hormone levels change dramatically in women as menopause approaches. It decreases the production of estrogen, the main hormone involved in the emergence of sexual desire. So it is normal for your libido to drop suddenly and radically during this period.

Also during this period, emotional changes can occur, including states of depression and anxiety, which also contribute to the drastic decrease in interest in sex. I told you more about all the symptoms you go through during menopause and the changes your body faces HERE .

Culture and religion

Moral values, culture, education, religion, taboos you know or grew up with - all the concepts you have about sex that make up your own perception of your sexuality can be the reason why you have a low sex drive.

If you grew up thinking of sex as a negative, forbidden, or wrong experience, then it's normal for your libido to be low because of the guilt or shame that such thoughts cause you.

Mental health

Mental health is closely related to sexual health and libido. Thus, people who experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or excessive fatigue may have a very low sex drive. Even chronic stress can influence hormone levels and be a cause of low libido.

Age

Age is another very important factor for the level of sexual desire. Libido decreases with age and is a normal process starting at the age of 40-50 years in women and 60-70 years in men.

Obesity

There are numerous studies that confirm that obesity is a cause of sexual dysfunction and low libido. Overweight people may experience hormonal imbalances, shortness of breath during sexual activity, and a more limited range of comfortable sexual positions, all of which can result in a loss of interest in intimacy.

Chronic conditions

There are many chronic conditions that can lead to decreased sexual desire. These include chronic kidney disease, chronic pain, but also diabetes, cancer, cardiovascular disease, thyroid problems, and more.

Task

Pregnancy means dozens of changes, including hormonal changes. Just as it is normal for some women to feel increased pleasure and a greater interest in sex, especially in the second trimester, it is also normal for other women to experience a decrease in sex drive – especially in the first and third trimesters. third trimester, and even in the postpartum period.

If you want to know more about how the baby develops in each trimester, I explained each stage HERE .

Relationship conflicts

Often an effective treatment for a low libido is to solve problems in the couple. Conflicts in the relationship are a very common reason why partners lose interest in sex, and in this process both psycho-emotional aspects (eg: connection, trust between partners, etc.) and neurological aspects (the level of serotonin and dopamine secreted by body).

Certain medications

Certain treatments can cause a decrease in sex drive. These include diuretics, high blood pressure medications, antidepressants, and anticonvulsants. There are some studies that suggest that certain contraceptives can also cause a decrease in sex drive.

Low self-esteem

Self-image, stress and low self-esteem are interconnected and influence each person's interest in sex. When you don't trust yourself, doubt the way you look or your sexual performance, the body goes into a state of alertness and stress that prevents you from wanting anything to do with sex.

Trauma related to sex and relationships

Sexual trauma can have a strong impact on libido, especially when it comes to harassment or abuse. The same applies to relationship trauma – if your past experiences with your partner were not positive, there is a good chance that this is the cause of your low libido.

Sexual problems

Sexual problems can lead to dissatisfaction and discomfort during sex, and are an important cause of low sexual appetite.

For men, erectile dysfunction prevents them from maintaining an erection long enough to have controlled and fulfilling intercourse. For women, vaginal dryness can reduce pleasure and even cause pain.

All these negative experiences associated with intercourse can cause anxiety and stress about intimate relationships, as well as a decrease or complete disappearance of interest.

Low libido - Symptoms

Low libido is not limited to a decrease in sexual desire, but can be manifested by:

• Low or absent interest in sex and masturbation

• Lack of sexual fantasies

• Absence of pleasure during sex

How is low libido treated?

If you notice that your libido has decreased and is preventing you from having a healthy sex life, you can ask for the help of a specialist. Treatment is always determined after identifying the cause (depending on symptoms, medical history, sexual history, etc.) and may include:

Changes in lifestyle

When a sedentary lifestyle, lack of rest, chronic stress or weight problems are at the root of your low interest in sex, this can be treated quite easily by:

Behavioral therapy

If trauma or lack of self-confidence is behind your low libido, talk therapy or sex therapy can help you overcome these blockages. There is also couples therapy that can help improve the relationship and communication between partners to increase sexual appetite on both sides.

Drug treatment

If your low libido is caused by certain medications, your specialist may change your treatment. Also, when the cause is a hormonal imbalance, the doctor can recommend hormonal therapy.

Supplements and vitamins to increase libido

There are certain supplements and vitamins that can help increase libido. These include L-arginine, maca powder, ginseng and vitamin B3. Always take your doctor's advice before trying such supplements.

Aphrodisiac foods

There is also the option of eating more aphrodisiac foods, which are said to support increased libido naturally. However, there are no studies confirming the aphrodisiac potential of foods such as dark chocolate, honey, cinnamon, oysters, vanilla, saffron, red wine, seafood, or others.

Libido in women

In women, libido is closely related to the hormones estrogen and androgen, which vary considerably throughout the menstrual cycle and pregnancy. So it is very normal for sexual desire to fluctuate quite drastically throughout life.

Fluctuations

More than the stages you go through in your lifetime, even the stages of your menstrual cycle influence how your libido fluctuates over the course of a month.

The female body secretes the greatest amount of estrogen during ovulation, which is why libido reaches its peak during this period.

On the other hand, the production of estrogen decreases towards the end of the cycle and also then increases the level of progesterone which is an inhibitor of sexual desire, and thus produces a decrease in terms of sexual appetite.

So when you're tracking your menstrual cycle phases, keep in mind that they don't just dictate your fertile period , but also how your libido fluctuates.

Causes of decreased libido in women

We talked above about the general causes of low libido, but here are the main factors that could cause a sudden drop in libido in women:

• Stress - periods of chronic stress can cause numerous negative health effects, as well as decreased libido

• Anxiety - is in turn a source of stress and, implicitly, a cause of low libido. If you want to better understand what anxiety means, read our article HERE .

• Depression - can cause you to lose interest in many activities that brought you pleasure or satisfaction before, including sex

• Certain types of contraception - if birth control is causing your libido to drop, you can try other effective birth control methods

• Hormonal changes - especially those during pregnancy and breastfeeding

• Postpartum depression

• Chronic conditions - such as chronic kidney or heart disease, chronic pain, diabetes or autoimmune disorders

• Painful sex - can have several causes that we discussed in more detail HERE

• Vaginismus - a type of sexual dysfunction that consists of involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles and can make sex uncomfortable for women

• Intimate infections - such as candidiasis , sexually transmitted diseases or urinary tract infections

Libido in men

As for men's libido, it is influenced by androgen hormones: testosterone (the most well-known), dihydrotestosterone (influences self-image and the development of secondary male sexual characteristics) and DHEA (influences energy levels and sexual function).

Fluctuations

• I mentioned that libido in men tends to fluctuate over shorter periods of time

• we mentioned that the highest level is in the morning, when the testosterone level is the highest

Just as women's libido tends to fluctuate over the course of a month, men's sex drive fluctuates over shorter periods of time, over the course of a day. This explains the higher libido in the early hours of the morning, when the body secretes the greatest amount of testosterone.

Causes of decreased libido in men

Specific reasons why men may suddenly notice a significant reduction in interest in sex include:

• Decreased testosterone levels. It is normal with age (starting in 70-80 years, the body secretes about 20% of the amount of testosterone produced at the age of 25).

• Premature ejaculation. It can produce feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem and stress about intercourse.

• Inability to reach orgasm. It leads to sexual dissatisfaction. This is a problem not only faced by men, but also by women, and about which we have told more HERE .

• Impotence. Erectile dysfunction prevents you from getting or maintaining an erection and can cause loss of sex drive.

Low libido and the impact on the relationship

One partner's low libido can have negative effects on the relationship, especially if the other partner has a high libido. Situations may arise in which:

• Your partner ends up thinking that he is the problem and that you are no longer attracted to him.
• Unhealthy patterns develop, such as the partner's insistence when it comes to sex.
• There is shame, frustration and guilt on both sides.
• It increases the negative tension in the relationship.

Solutions

As unpleasant as it may be, periods when interest in sex is absent or very low are normal in any relationship, whether it comes from one or both partners. Perhaps you have recently become parents. Perhaps you are facing a stressful period, or routine and boredom have entered your married life. Whatever the cause, there are always solutions:

Communication is the key

Talk openly with your partner, express your feelings and listen to his. Don't try to hide his low interest in sex or pretend that everything is fine, as this will only drive the distance between you. Choose a quiet time when you are relaxed and can talk calmly without judgment or blame.

Focus on the emotional connection

Sex is not the only way to create intimacy, and it is important that even when sexual contact and desire is absent, you maintain your emotional connection with your partner. Focus on time spent together, hugs, kisses, and other tender gestures that make you feel connected. Discover more ways to create intimacy without sexual contact HERE .

Explore more

Part of the solution is understanding, communication and patience, as I already told you above. But an equally important part is the steps you take together to rekindle your interest in sex when it wanes. You can try this by exploring together several scenarios and sensations that will increase your desire to resume your sex life and try new things: