How much do you care what people think when you invite someone home after the first date? Or maybe you hesitate to express your sexual desires to your partner for fear of being judged?

Where do you think this fear comes from?
A sense of shame related to sex and sexuality has existed since the beginning of time. And we can all feel it, at some point in our lives. That is why we should understand more precisely where it comes from. So let's start with the beginning: virginity.

What does virginity mean?

What really happens after the first sexual contact?

Well, nothing special. You had sex.
Virginity is a social concept and not a thing (more precisely a foreskin) that you "lose". There is no seal that is undone. And you can't help but wonder, what exactly is virginity?

All the more so as we are opposed or even disturbed by this (false) concept of "purity" almost necessarily associated with virginity. A concept that can be - and indeed is in many cases - harmful to a healthy sexual life and especially to self-image.
And yet, why? Because, after all, virginity, from a medical point of view, is not a real condition.


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Does being a virgin mean having a hymen?

In general, there is confusion when it comes to the hymen which many people think completely covers the entrance to the vagina.
From a medical point of view, the hymen is a thin, elastic piece of tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening. Attention, it does not completely cover the vaginal opening, it has a roomy enough entrance to allow the flow of menstrual blood or the use of a tampon comfortably.
Moreover, there are people who are born without a hymen or with an extremely thin, almost non-existent hymen. And like any other part of the body, the hymen is different for everyone. But what you need to remember is that the hymen opens or "breaks" more when you have vaginal sex for the first time - which can create discomfort or bleeding. But it is not a rule, the hymen can also break following an accident or blows, intense physical activities, surgical interventions and sometimes for no particular reason:))

The myth of virginity

The absence of the hymen therefore does not indicate a sexual act, nor can it be a testimony of the loss of virginity. Because virginity is a social, religious and cultural concept, and it has been used as a "measuring" "tool" to more easily control women in patriarchal societies.

In addition, the idea of physical purity itself comes with damage and problems when we talk about a healthy sex life. And sexual shame and taboos continue to affect much of the global population, physically and mentally, determining life choices. We are still guided by what society or religion says - the only ones for whom virginity is still so important that its "loss" turns into a tragedy.

Virginity testing

In some cultures, the idea of virginity has even created the so-called "virginity tests", today condemned by the World Health Organization, because they violate human rights.

These tests are a very invasive and harmful practice, based on checking a woman's vaginal opening to determine if the hymen is "intact" or checking the sheet for blood stains after intercourse, which would be a sign that the hymen has been broken. More worryingly, some communities even punish women who do not show these signs or submit to these tests.

But the methods used not only violate the human rights of thousands of girls and women. If women have been through physical abuse, the tests can cause even more pain and trauma, resulting in worsening physical and psychological conditions such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress.

UN agencies have, in recent years, appealed to those communities to stop violence against women and to ban the further practice of virginity tests .

A social (and heteronormative) concept

As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, virginity is a social, abstract concept that can shape the way we perceive the reality around us. But it is not something tangible, something physical. It's just a passage between not being sexually active (yet) and the moment after first intercourse. However, the concept can be harmful to both genders: a boy will be considered "inexperienced" if he is a virgin, while in the same situation, a girl will be considered "pure". After the sexual act has taken place, the boy becomes "experienced" and the girl, immoral.

How can this be relevant and helpful to young people just starting their sex life?

Well, it can't be. And virginity isn't that important, really.

Furthermore, the way we refer to virginity is generally heteronormative because we think of it as sexual intercourse between a woman and a man. Which, again, is restrictive, because it doesn't include queer people.

In reality, sex has many forms and acts - some of which include penetration, some of which do not. And to say that "virginity" is lost only in the case of an act of penetration is not valid for everyone.

Why virginity is not important.